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Absence11 years ago
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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I had just got started on the story and was moving past part 3 and made it to part 5 before I hit a wall. Something I had mentioned before in part 3 was causing some problems. That being this line in particular: "Dead? heavens no! but whether this is real or
not I can't say for sure. but if you have found your self here
then you must be crazy."
I didn't want to suggest that Jennifer was really crazy, it cemented the situation she found her self in a little too much and didn't keep the same air of mystery for the story. Thinking back It was the best thing I did for the story, going back and rewriting those 3 pages got it all back on track. I just wish I kept all of the deleted text, instead of just part 3. Oh well, I hope you all enjoy this small behind the scenes glimpse. ^_^
So what.. this isn't real? That would make sense.. am I?
Dead? heavens no! but whether this is real or
not I can't say for sure. but if you have found your self here
then you must be crazy.
crazy?
as a loon! mad, bonkers, broken, loco!
oh.. so I was right. well.. why am I.. like this?
a girl? silly thing, your Jennifer! don't you know who you are?
Jennifer? but she's fake, only in my head and a few story's online.
yes yes.. I see your point. but if you are not Jennifer, then who are you?
I.. well. that's simple, I'm Jeremy!
but you are a girl! what an awful name for such a pretty young thing...
yeah but.. OK, so you have a point. I'm Jennifer. but.. why?
don't ask me, I wouldn't dare to hazard a guess! now that you are here and
know who you are once again, we can move on. ask me anything, I'm here at your service.
OK.. then answer me this. who are you? for real this time! none of that you are who you are crap.
you can't ask me that.
What? WHAT? you said to ask you anything.
I did.. but you can't ask me what I don't already know.
so you even know who you are? great.. you sound like your going to be lots of help!
fine princess.. If you don't want to know where you are then I will go help some other gender confused little girl.
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5 comments:
Wow, that would have made the whole story go into an entirely different direction. Not just with the declarative nature of 'You are crazy', but also the tone coming from 'the voice'. In this bit 'the voice' seems cruelly playful and downright mean. I really thought of 'the voice' as a helpful thing... and this would have not allowed that feeling.
Great editing, and great decision making!
@ Caitlyn
I didn't really see the voice as downright mean.
I saw it more as a "wake up and get back on the path" sort of tone. Almost the way an Auntie would chide their nephew to pay attention, and not let their imagination wander too much.
Still though, it was a good edit on Jenniger's part because it was a bit of a side step that didn't necessarily drive the plot forward, though it did flesh out the relationship of the voice and her.
@ Caitlyn
Thanks! ^_^ As the rest of the story unfolded I found that it was next to impossible to suggest that Jennifer could escape and therefore had no reason to leave the little mental construct she was in.
The voice was a little more snippy in this draft, but it was going to stay pretty much the same. Like Dee mentioned, more of an authoritative figure to keep Jennifer in line. But what she really needed right then, was a friend to help her keep her track.
@ Dee
I liked how the voice was obviously starting to take control here. As the rest of the story unfolded from this point on, he got a little more feisty and Jennifer wasn't calming down enough to help her move through the worlds.
And as I said, she didn't have a reason to move through them either. It was leading to a very boring outcome and it's very surprising that one simple statement changed everything so much. Even before I made it to part 5 I was having trouble because of that, but I thought I could make it work.
Once part 5 was done and I couldn't move the story any further, I finally decided to just redo the whole thing and with that part rewriting, the rest of it fell into place pretty easily. ^_^
It is great to see an insight into your writing process, particularly considering the high quality of your caps.
@ Betty
Thank you very much Betty, I'm glad you have enjoyed my Stuff. ^_^
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