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Absence11 years ago
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Sunday, April 14, 2013
For a few months now i've felt very down and out. Just drained and unsure of what to actually do. I've been trying to fill in my time with new and different things, but I still feel little intrest in things I should.
I've been depressed, and honestly, I think i've partially been denying it to my self, or unable to accept that I am. Just hoping that I'll feel better and get the spark to just have fun and enjoy my self.
Well, last night things seemingly came to a head and I just didn't know what to do any more. I've lost friends to my depression, both recently and in the past. I miss those friends and I can't blame them for leaving. The smallest problem, no matter what it was, could become so much bigger in my mind, because of my ocd and my depression. I'll end up going in a circle, desperately trying to work my way out of it, but just making things worse.
It's taken a lot for me to make this post, since it's very, very personal. But I feel like if I don't reach out for help in some way, then I'm not going to get better. Last night I did seek some help and it's embarrassing to even admit it, so I'll leave it at that. But the point i'm trying to make, is that I'm realizing i have to do something, or just become consumed with it.
I have friends, I have friends that care. I have friends that I know I enjoy their company and can have fun with. I want to have fun with them and just escape all of this and get out of my head space for a while. But I also feel like I've let this all go on too long, and I've caused irreversible dammage to them, to the point that the person they used to know, is gone in their eyes.
I hate that. it's not doing any good for my state of mind and i wish i could show those that i care about, that i am trying to get better. that i can make it up to them for all they have done.
I looked at a depression checklist last night and it was kind of scary. I had no idea that so many of the symptoms applied to me and what i was feeling at this time. i had a hunch, but not soo many things. Just look at this.
- I feel sad.
- I feel like crying a lot.
- I'm bored.
- I feel alone.
- I don't really feel sad, just "empty".
- I don't have confidence in myself.
- I don't like myself.
- I often feel scared, but I don't know why.
- I feel mad, like I could just explode!
- I feel guilty.
- I can't concentrate.
- I have a hard time remembering things.
- I don't want to make decisions - it's too much work.
- I feel like I'm in a fog.
- I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep.
- I'm frustrated with everything and everybody.
- I don’t have fun anymore.
- I feel helpless.
- I'm always getting into trouble.
- I'm restless and jittery. I can’t sit still.
- I feel nervous.
- I feel disorganized, like my head is spinning.
- I feel self-conscious.
- I can't think straight. My brain doesn't seem to work.
- I feel ugly.
- I don’t feel like talking anymore - I just don’t have anything to say.
- I feel my life has no direction.
- I feel life isn’t worth living.
- I consume alcohol/take drugs regularly.
- My whole body feels slowed down - my speech, my walk, and my movements.
- I don't want to go out with friends anymore.
- I don't feel like taking care of my appearance.
- Occasionally, my heart pounds, I can't catch my breath, and I feel tingly.
- My vision feels strange and I feel I might pass out. The feeling passes in seconds, but I'm afraid it will happen again.
- Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
- I feel "different" from everyone else.
- I smile, but inside I'm miserable.
- I have difficulty falling asleep or I awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then I can't get back to sleep.
- My appetite has diminished - food tastes so bland.
- My appetite has increased - I feel I could eat all the time.
- My weight has increased/decreased.
- I have headaches.
- I have stomachaches.
- My arms and legs hurt.
- I feel nauseous.
- I'm dizzy.
- Sometimes my vision seems blurred or slow.
- I'm clumsy.
- My neck hurts.
I'm trying to get better, I WANT to get better. I want my friends to know that I want to get better and to do right by them. I feel like if I don't, then things can only get worse.
It's no wonder that I'm depressed though. Just a brief overview of some of the things i've been through lately, would help explain it. But I can't dwell on that stuff. I can't let it drag me under and steal away the life and fun I want to have. I hope I can recover, that i can show people that I'm getting better and I am the fun person they once knew. I wish i could fix things between other people, but I don't blame them for leaving me.
I'm sorry for this down and out post. I could make this all the more sadder if I posted all that is wrong in my life right now. But I don't feel like I even have the right. Because everyone has troubles, everyone get's depressed. My problems are no worse then anyone elses and i don't want to seem like I take those other people's problems for granted. I just know that if I don't do something to get on the right path, I'm going to burn out.
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18 comments:
I know so well how you feel Jennifer. I wish I could say more to help you, I truly do
Best cure for depression is the gym. I swear by it, after two weeks of hard work I felt so much better! Go at quiet times so theres not a lot of people. Go 3 times a week an as hard as possible, your guaranteed to feel better ;)
Jennifer, I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. One of the insidious things about depression is that doing things and being with people will help but it's so difficult to do things and be with people when you're depressed.
I do think exercise can help. In any case, it's good to know that you're looking to change how you feel.
Best wishes to you. I hope you're feeling better soon.
I know the feeling, Jen. Just know there are treatments; seek out a doctor if you haven;t already. It is probably going to take a lot of time; I know for my family (where it runs) that there has only been one cure for it, and that took years before my Dad found it. Just don't give up and take care of your body. I wish I had more advice, but I ain't a doctor and am not about to dole out a prescription or anything. All the best.
Jennifer,
It hurts to see you in so much pain. I want you to close your eyes for a moment and feel my arms around you in a loving and supportive hug.
Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it anything to take lightly. It can lead you on a self destructive path and guide your thoughts in directions that aren't true. So first, I'm going to state some facts.
You are a lovely, kind, and giving friend.
You have friends that will stand by you no matter what.
I am one of those friends.
You have an open and creative mind.
You are smart.
You are loved.
I know it's hard to focus on the good in your life. God knows that I've had trouble at times. But when you do look at these good things, know that they're just the tip of the iceberg. You are a GOOD person, and going through depression doesn't change that. Let me say that again... you are a GOOD person.
Now while I want you to focus on the good, I don't want you to do this alone. Going through depression is difficult as it almost always is from a chemical imbalance inside of you. Yes, some people can get out of a depressive state as easy as they slid into it. Sometimes exercise will help. Sometimes talking will help. Sometimes directed positive thinking will help. But sometimes all of these things won't get you out. You should go see a doctor, one who can help you through this. The very act of going out to seek help will do wonders because not only have you acknowledged that there is a problem, but you are proactively taking steps to correct it.
Don't worry what the doctor will think. It's his/her job to help people through this. It's what they do.
Don't worry about what your family will think. They love you, and will want you to be better.
Don't worry what your friends will think. They too love you and want to see you get better.
You're doing right by not dwelling on the things that have brought this depression on. Depression will cloud your thinking and make everything look bad. Instead, focus on getting better.
You don't have to go through this alone. Whenever you have any doubts about that, just close your eyes and feel my arms around you in a warm hug.
Love,
Caitlyn
*hugs* sorry I couldn't be much help last night. I'll always be here to lend an ear, a shoulder, or a hug, or ABSOLUTLY anything else I can do to help you I know first hand how insidious depression can be.
while not a permanent fix reading some posts by boggle the owl http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/ can sometimes help me get through the day.
Best wishes...I have struggled through life with cycles of highs and lows. I find comfort in tromping through the woods, looking for wildflowers or interesting bugs or different things. I like to take their pictures and just sit and watch them and meditate on nature. It gives me moments of peace and sometimes that is all I need for that moment. It reminds me that life is full of wonder. I don't know that it would be helpful but i wanted to share and send out wishes for happiness to you in your little piece of the world.
I was diagnosed with stress a few months ago, which shares many of the symptoms you listed so I have a rough idea of what you're going though.
Go see your doctor. They will put you in touch with a trained consellor who understands what you're going through, and can help you.
The good news is you've already done the hardest part. You've admitted there's a problem and said you want to get better.
Sorry but there is know easy answer to this. different causes and woes etc. I suffered in silence for ten years and have been medicated for getting on twenty years now. highs and lows still but it kind of works for me.
I know its so hard to admit you have a problem, its hard to write this even I guess because it shows weakness. But there come a point when you cant cope. I know meds are not for every one but I would recommend you see a doctor. well maybe this is not as helpful as I hoped but please don't just hope it well pass and do nothing there is no shame in this.
I want to reply individually to each and every one of you and give you all big hugs for reaching back out to me like this. It means the world to me and it's already helping me feel a little better. Or at least feel like I CAN do this.
I want you to know that every bit of this is helping me, even if I'm still depressed and still struggling to get back to 'normal'. THIS is helping. It is tough to admit it, but I didn't see any other way out of it. I had to do something or become completely consumed with it.
I Want to do more fun things, not focus on those things that are out of my control and just weigh heavily on me. I want to prove to my self that I can overcome this. Even if it means resting on the shoulders or friends and getting in touch with a doctor for help.
Thank you. Thank you each and every one of you. It means so much to me that you would write to me in order to help. Some people here, I'm not even sure of your name. But the mere fact that you posted, with out personally knowing me, means the world to me right now. Thank you!
All good points that people pointed out up above.
What is going on *IS* fixable. Its hard work though and often seems helpless.
Your friends do care though, and its obvious they do. Well I hope its obvious!
As someone that has seen many of your ups and downs, it hurts me to see you when you are consumed by all this. The cycle totally sucks but I have the faith that you CAN and WILL break out of it, whatever way that might be.
Jennifer,
I am a lurker. I read all of your captions and enjoy them immensely, but I rarely (if ever) comment. I'm sorry. :( In this case, I felt I HAD to say SOMETHING.
I may not know you personally, but I wanted you to know how genuinely proud I am that you were brave enough to talk openly about your depression. Why? I had a cousin as a kid who wasn't quite so brave. He kept all of his demons inside until he couldn't take it any more. In the end, he took his own life. His family has never been the same (30 yrs later).
I know that the world sucks sometimes, and that it feels like things will never get better. I've been to that dark place, too. Just always remember that it takes times of utter despair and darkness to truly appreciate a glorious sunrise.
You can get better, and you WILL. You've already taken one of the biggest steps. Please don't ever feel guilty for expressing your sorrow and pain. We understand, and are here for you.
Hugs and Sissy Kisses,
bimbo wannabe
Its difficult to go through things like this, I know. I might not have been in the same level of pain you are in, but I have felt many of the same things, and there is no easy answer.
Accepting you are depressed helps, admitting you have a problem is important. I do agree with many people here that seeking professional medical help is the best idea on where to start.
Your family will be there for you, they love you. Your friends will be there for you, they love you.
My main advise I'd give you might at first seem a little callous, but please think carefully about it before you come to a conclusion. It is about choice. There are a few things on this I would share with you, it might help.
You must choose to be happy or not. Some things you can't help, and they will bring you down, and there is nothing you can do about it. We've all been there to some degree. The truth is though, that there is something very basic, but all the same so very true that might help. Find joy in the little things, as many and as much as you can. Hobbies, tv shows, a beautiful sunrise, the smell fresh cookies, a gentle breeze while you ride a bike.
These and many others I myself use to fight off feelings of doom and helplessness. I have to work on this every day, and it does not ever become easy. It is something I have been working on for years and it works most of the time. Sometimes it becomes too much, and I have to cry. I don't like it, being a guy, and it is difficult to let out such things. I can't open up as easily as most women can, and like many guys i hold things inside, but I also work very hard to let it out. Sometimes I have to walk, and i've cried silent tears while i walk the dark streets near my home.
There is also another thing that helps. This may be even more difficult than the first one. I don't worry about things I cannot control. It isn't as simple as it sounds, and it also takes a lot of work. I have been working on this at least as long as the other, probably a lot longer.
I ask myself, is there anything I can do to solve this issue? If the answer is NO, i let it go. Have I done everything in my power to fix things? If the answer is YES, I let it it go. I try my best to focus my energies on things i can change, that I can affect.
I hope you can take some comfort from what I've said, and I hope you can feel better. I don't expect it will be sudden and complete, it will take time. Please be well, and know that I would be happy to give you a hug if I could.
Jennifer, dear, if there is anyway that I can help you, I will. I am here day or night, sun or rain. You are my friend and i will help you to the best of my ability.
Thank you all for your uplifting comments. If it wasn't for this outlet and everyone's support, I think I would have been far worse then I am right now.
There's lots of good advice here and I am taking it to heart and hoping that it will give me the tools I need to get better.
I'm struggling with overcoming some things that trigger my ocd, but i know that's going to be a hard road. I'm not as down in the dumps as I was, but I'm not exactly feeling 100% either. I Hope that by staying positive, I'll be able to find enjoyment in the things I used to again.
I think there's some really good, sincere advice above. Although I know that depression makes it that much harder to get out of bed, let alone make it to a gym, I'm sure the exercise advice is good. A few yrs ago, someone pointed out to me something about the story of Adam & Eve that had never hit me before: the Devil got Woman and Man to make their fatal mistake (symbolized by the fruit) by giving them the idea that they could be like gods if they ate that "fruit". The irony is that, earlier in the story, God had already made Man and Woman in His image. I. e., they were already like God and didn't have to do anything to be like gods. It looks clear that you know people who really love you and you can rest assured that, even if you feel "empty", guilty, helpless, self-conscious, ugly, directionless and "different" in a bad way, you are already like God because He loves you enough to have made you like Him. I don't take the Adam & Eve story literally but I do believe that the Devil is a real being who keeps planting the idea in our minds that we're not good enough and then helps us to think of really bad ideas of how to get good enough and, when he really gets scared of our awesome potential to do good, tries to discourage us into thinking that our lives aren't worth living. If the Devil has whispered this much negativity into your mind, then he must be really scared of how much good you have in you!
@ Anonymous
I agree, there is plenty of good advice here. And not to mention plenty of support when I need it most. I'm taking the advice and trying my hardest to turn things around, but the support, such as your very kind and uplifting words, mean the most to me. Thank you! *hugs*
Nothing will make depression go away over night. But I hope you get better soon!
http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre
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